As most of you know, I am quite versed in wilderness survival. Drop me off in the driest desert or the coldest mountain and I am sure that I can sustain for three, maybe even five days. When the world was trying to get as much toilet paper as possible to wipe whatever body parts they identified as having, I was preparing for the worst. While conducting routine maneuvers during “the VID” I realized that I had a major flaw in my fortress of survival, Urban Tactics. As social media was my lifeblood during these years, I subscribed to several self-proclaimed gurus for help, however, they all seemed a little DUSTy. None of them seemed to be in tune with what was really going on and I had a sneaking suspicion some of them were even rocking fake mustaches. I was just about out of hope when I stumbled upon Chicago Urban National Tactical Systems, better known by their acronym, C.U.N.T.S.
The tactical team is led by a figure who refers to himself only as “Commander C.U.N.T.S,” who holds a prestigious set of credentials. While being a veteran of both World Wars and Desert Storm, he is also known for his involvement in Chuck Norris’s training as well as his role in the Star Wars Trilogy (he was The Force). Little did I know it would be only a few short months before I was to meet with Commander C.U.N.T.S. himself and partake in some of the most intensive training that I would ever see. Here is what I learned.
Carry upwards of $20,000 worth of cash at ALL times.
If some jive turkey is coming for your green, just give it to him. The key here is to make it rain in a manner that is both impressive and distracting. If the technique is applied properly, it will allow you to perform just about any evasive maneuver imaginable or even a specialized offensive maneuver (more on that later). Now, at first glance, this approach might seem cost-prohibitive but in this market, it is still cheaper than emptying a magazine full of Gold Dots into an assailant’s chest.
Hadoukens are REAL.
Although considered to be mere folklore or at best confined to the streets of Capcom, the Hadouken is a legitimate move. After training with several Filipino grandmasters for “an undisclosed amount of time,” the fine Commander taught me all of the steps needed to execute one, such as utilizing a hard cut and a flash wipe between two scenes. He showed me some other methods of pulling this off too but it cost me nearly an entire roll of quarters to become proficient.
Fitness, Chi, and shit like that
Keeping in shape to handle the daily onslaught of urban attackers takes a special combination of exercise and supplements. First, it turns out that grandma was right all along and Flintstones chewables are indeed the best you can get. They strengthen skin and bones 1022x more effectively than anything else on the market and that is backed up by science and data. A regimen of strenuous exercise is the second piece of the puzzle and must not be neglected. This routine is especially effective when you share it with at least two buddies, particularly if they are just outside of the camera’s frame. When your diet and routine are in complete harmony you should be able to hear that tell-tale hum coming from the right ceiling corner of the room…fake it if you don’t.
Although best at teaching his followers to make their bodies do things that they couldn’t believe possible, Commander C.U.N.T.S.’s true medium is stripping a threat of his/her weapons. He taught us techniques that included how to remove not only an assailant’s handgun, but his entire hand too. He also showed us what could go wrong as he demonstrated the immense power that the slide of a Glock 7 possesses. Most of us didn’t realize that it could dismember anybody who dares to touch it amidst firing but, alas, video proof taught us better.
Beware of reoccurring assailants.
Not only did the adept Commander share his wisdom with us, but reclaimed footage from real-life encounters as well. While strange to see that he gets into a near-weekly altercation, it was far more fascinating to see that it was almost invariably with the same three or four guys each time.
Looking closer, this group consists of some of the hardest thugs in Chi-town including what appears to be Twista (yes, the rapper) and Eric “Iggy” Keyes of History Channel’s Top Shot. Both apparently have fallen on tough times, thus resorting to the skreets to survive.
Successful completion of my training was signified with the passing of the most coveted of information, the correct way to get your wings from Harold’s Chicken Shack (six-piece fried hard, extra mild sauce with a pineapple pop). As I made my way to Chicago’s O’Hare airport, I reflected on the lessons that I have learned in both martial arts and videography while wondering how I could possibly spread the message on this revolutionary training.
I’m sure you are wondering how you too can sign up for courses within this prestigious institute but alas, students are hand-chosen by C.U.N.T.S. with extreme discretion. To even have a shot at being chosen you must follow Eddy Tactical, the alter ego for Commander C.U.N.T.S. Think Brad Pitt in Fight Club…..but with a criminal record for stealing hubcaps.
YouTube: Eddy Tactical
Lighten up, it’s April Fools…Start screaming in the comments, troll!
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